Section 3 ~ Humorous Readings

16. A Good Wedding Cake

Take half a pound of attraction and mix with four ounces of good humour and two ounces of charm.

Mix together in a conducive atmosphere and add a sprinkling of encouragement.
In a separate bowl, mix equal quantities of fidelity, forgiveness and forgetfulness. Combine the two together in harmony and moisten with half a pint of laughter and a generous trickle of common sense.
Add as much love as the mixture can hold without becoming too sticky or solid. Stir for a long as it takes to ensure there are no lumps, then season with hope.

Pour into a suitable house and bake moderately for ever after and eat with contentment.

17. A Lovely Love Story by Edward Monkton

The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, HIS cage. Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur. The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur's cage with kind words and loving thoughts. I like this Dinosaur, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny. He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now. I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice. She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur. But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. He is also overly fond of Things. Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of Things? But her mind skips from here to there so quickly, thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on Shopping. Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping? I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for Things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual. I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with beautiful thought and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either. Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old. Look at them. Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs. And that, my friends, is how it is with love. Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together. For the sun is warm. And the world is a beautiful place.


18. Being Boring - by Wendy Cope

"may you live in interesting times" - is a chinese curse!

If you ask me "What's new?" - I have nothing to say
Except that the garden is growing.
I had a slight cold but it's better today.
I'm content with the way things are going.
Yes, he is the same as he usually is,
Still eating and sleeping and snoring.
I get on with my work, he gets on with his.
I know this is all very boring.

There was drama enough in my turbulent past:
Tears and passion - I've used up a tankful.
No news is good news, and long may it last.
If nothing much happens, I'm thankful.
A happier cabbage you never did see,
my vegetable spirits are soaring.
If you're after excitement, steer well clear of me.
I want to go on being boring.

I don't go to parties. Well, what are they for,
if you don't need to find a new lover?
You drink and you listen and drink a bit more
And you take the next day to recover.
Someone to stay home with was all my desire
And, now that I've found a safe mooring,
I've just one ambition in life, I aspire
To go on and on being boring.

19. Getting Married Means

Getting married means you'll have
Someone's hand to hold
Even when you're feeling sick,
Even when you're old.
It means when you sit down to eat,
Someone will be there,
So you won’t have to tell your day
To an empty chair.
It means that when you need some help,
Someone will help out
Someone always near to you
So you won’t have to shout.
But best of all is when it’s time
To turn out all the lights;
You won't have to be alone
Those long and scary nights.


20. He never leaves the seat up …

He never leaves the seat up
Or wet towels upon the floor
The toothpaste has the lid on
And he always shuts the door!
She’s very messy and untidy
Though she may sometimes delude
Leave your things out at your peril
In a second they’ll have moved!
He’s a very active person
As are all his next of kin
Where as she likes lazy days
He’ll still drag her to the gym!
He romances her and dines her
Home cooked dinners and the like
He even knows her favourite food
And spoils her day and night!
She’s thoughtful when he looks at her
A smile upon his face
Will he look that good in 50 years
When his dentures aren’t in place?!
He says he loves her figure
And her mental prowess too
But when gravity takes her over
Will she charm with her IQ?
She says she loves his kindness
And his patience is a must
And of course she thinks he’s handsome
Which in her eyes is a plus!
They’re both not wholly perfect
But who are we to judge
He can be pig headed
Where as she won’t even budget!
All that said and done
They love the time they spent together
And I hope as I’m sure you do
That this fine day will last forever.
He’ll be more than just her husband
He’ll also be her friend
And she’ll be more than just his wife
She’s be his soul mate ‘till the end.
This poem for Bride and Groom
A married couple soon
Is a token of the love they share
And the thought behind each vow.


21. How can that be my baby?

How can that be my baby? How can that be my son?
Standing on rugger field, no more than six feet one
Steam is rising from him, his legs are streaked with blood
And he wears a yellow mouthguard in a face that’s black with mud.
How can that be my baby? How can he look like that?
I used to sit him on my knee and read him Postman Pat
Those little ears with cotton buds I kept in perfect shape
But now they’re big and purple they’re fastened back with tape.
How can that be my baby? How did he reach that size?
What happened to his wellies with the little froggy eyes?
His shirt is on one shoulder but it’s hanging off the other
And the little baffled person at his feet is me: his mother


22. I Wanna be Yours

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust,
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust,
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your pot,
You call the shots,
I wanna be yours.


I wanna be your raincoat
For those frequent rainy days,
I wanna be your dreamboat
When you want to sail away,
Let me be your teddy bear
Take me with you anywhere,
I don’t care, I wanna be yours.


I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out,
I wanna be the electric heater
You’ll get cold without,
I wanna be your setting lotion
Hold your hair in deep devotion,
Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
That’s how deep is my devotion.


23. I'll be there - by Louise Cuddon

I’ll be there, my darling,Through thick and through thin
When your mind is a mess, When your head’s in a spin
When your plane’s been delayed, When you’ve missed the last train
When life is just threatening to drive you insane
When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page
When somebody tells you you’re looking your age
When your coffee’s too cool And your wine too warm
When the forecast said ‘Fine’ But you’re out in a storm
When you ordered the Korma But got the Madras
When you wake in the night And are sure you smell gas
When your quick-break hotel Is more like a slum
And your holiday photos Show only your thumb
When you park for five minutes In a resident’s bay
And return to discover You’ve been towed away
When the jeans that you bought In hope or in haste
Stick on your hips And won’t reach around your waist
When the dentist looks into Your mouth and just sighs
When your heroes turn out To be wimps in disguise
When the food that you most like Brings you out in red rashes
When as soon as you boot up The bloody thing crashes
When you’re in extra time And the other team scores
When someone informs you There’s no Santa Claus
When you gaze at the stars And step on a nail
When you know you’ll succeed But, somehow, you fail
When your horoscope tells you You’ll have a good day
So you ask for a rise And your boss says ‘No way’
So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear….
When you spill your beer When you shed a tear
When you burn the toast When you miss the post
When you lose the plot When I’m all you’ve got
When you break a rule When you act the fool
When you’ve got the flu When you’re in a stew
When you’re last in the queue Don’t feel blue
‘Cause I’m telling you I’ll be there
I’ll be there ~ I’ll be there for you.

24. Marriage Advice by Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming
with love in the loving cup
Whenever you’re wrong admit it
Whenever you’re right – shut up!


25. No Mistake - by Martha Sims

I know that you were made for me
And I was made for you
A wise old owl up in a tree
Told me this was true
I asked him only yesterday
If I should marry you
He answered – ‘I can safely say
You’re not a twit to woo




26. Oh Tell Me the Truth About Love

Some day that’s love a little boy
And some say it’s a bird
Some day it makes the world go round
And some say that’s absurd
And when I ask the man next-door
Who looked as if he knew
His wife got very cross indeed
And said it wouldn’t do.
Does it look like a pair of pyjamas
Or the ham in a temperance hotel?
Does it odour remind one of llamas
Or has it a comforting smell?
Is it prickly to touch as a hedge is
Or soft as eiderdown fluff?
Is it sharp or quite smooth at the edges?
tell me the truth about love.
Our history books refer to it
In cryptic little notes
It’s quite a common topic on
Transatlantic boats
I’ve found the subject mentioned in
Accounts of suicides
And even seen it scribbled on
The back of railway-guides.
Does it howl like a hungry Alsation
Or boom like a military band?
Could one give a first-rate imitation
On a saw or a Steinway Grand?
Is its singing at parties a riot?
Does it only like Classical stuff?
Will it stop when wants to be quiet?
tell me the truth about love.
I looked inside the summer house
It wasn’t ever there
I tried the Thames at Maidenhead
And Brighton’s bracing air
I don’t know what the blackbird sang
Or what the tulip said
But it wasn’t in the chicken run
Or underneath the bed.
Can it pull extraordinary faces?
Is it usually sick on a swing?
Does it spend all its time at the races
Or fiddling with pieces of string?
Has it views of its own about money?
Does it think Patriotism enough?
Are its stories vulgar but funny?
tell me the truth about love.
When it comes, it will come without warning
Just as I’m picking my nose?
Will it knock on my door in the morning
Or tread in the bus on my toes?
Will it come like a change in the weather?
Will its greeting be courteous or rough?
Will it alter my life altogether?
Oh tell me the truth about love.

28. Oh the Places You’ll Go - Dr Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the couple who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care.
About some you will say, “We don’t choose to go there.”
With your heads full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down, any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any
you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you’ll head straight out of town.
It’s opener there
in the wide open air,
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.
OH! THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!
You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers
who soar to great heights!
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have all the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang, and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly you’ll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’t.
Because sometimes, you won’t.
You’ll get mixed up of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
with so many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with great care and great tact
and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
KIDS, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So, be your name Buxbaum or Dowrie or Bass
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
you’re off to great places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So … get on your way!

29. Reprise by Ogden Nash

Geniuses of countless nations
Have told their love for generations
Till all their memorable phrases
Are common as goldenrod or daisies.
Their girls have glimmered like the moon,
Or shimmered like a summer moon,
Stood like a lily, fled like a fawn,
Now the sunset, now the dawn,
Here the princess in the tower
There the sweet forbidden flower.
Darling, when I look at you
Every aged phrase is new,
And there are moments when it seems
I've married one of Shakespeare's dreams.

30. Symptoms by W. H. Auden

Although you have given me a stomach upset
Weak knees, a lurching heart, a fuzzy brain
A high pitched laugh, a monumental phone bill
A feeling of unworthiness, sharp pain
When you are somewhere else, a guilty conscience
A long, and a dread of what’s in store
A pull rate for the Guinness Book of Records
Life now is better than it was before.
Although you have given me a raging temper
Insomnia, a rising sense of panic
A hopeless challenge, bouts of introspection
Raw, bitten nails, a voice that’s strangely manic
A selfish streak, a fear of isolation
A silly smile, lips that are chapped and sore
A running joke, a risk, an inspiration
Life now is better than it was before.
Although you have given me a premonition
Chattering teeth, a goal, a lot to lose
A granted wish, mixed motives, superstitions
Hang-ups and headaches, fear of awful news
A bubble in my throat, a dare to swallow
A crack of light under a closing door
The crude, fantastic prospect of forever
Life now is better than it was before.

31. The Owl and the Pussycat by Edward Lear

The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat
They took some honey, and plenty of money
Wrapped up in a five–pound note
The Owl looked up to the stars above
And sang to a small guitar
‘O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!’
Pussy said to Owl ‘You elegant fowl!’
How charmingly sweet you sing!
let us be married! Too long we have tarried
But what shall we do for a ring?”
They sailed away, for a year and a day
To the land where the Bong-Tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
With a ring at the end of his nose
His nose
His nose!
With a ring at the end of his nose.
‘Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?’ Said the Piggy, ‘I will.’
So they took it away and were married next day
By the turkey who lives on the hill
They dined on mince, and slices of quince
Which they ate with a runcible spoon
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand
They danced by the light of the moon
The moon
The moon!
They danced by the light of the moon.


32. The Promise ~ By Eileen Rafter

The sun danced on the snow with a sparkling smile;
As two lovers sat quietly, alone for a while.
Then he turned and said, with a casual air
(though he blushed from his chin to the tips of his hair),
"I think I might like to get married to you."
"Well then," she said, "there's a thought.
But what if we can't promise to be all that we ought?
Can you promise me, say, that you won't rage and shout,
If I'm late yet again, when we plan to go out,
For I know I can't promise I'll learn to ignore
Dirty socks or damp towels strewn all over the floor.
So if we can't vow to be all that we should
I'm not sure what to do though the idea's quite good."
But he gently smiled and tilted his head
Till his lips met her ear and softly he said
"I promise to weave my dreams into your own,
that wherever you breathe will be my heart's home.
I promise that, whether with rags or with gold I am blessed,
Your smile is the jewel I will treasure the best.
Do you think then, my love, we should marry - do you?"
"Yes, she said smiling, "I do."

33. The Wedding Singer’s Song

I wanna make you smile,
Whenever you're sad.
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad.
All I wanna do,
Is grow old with you.
I'll get you medicine,
When your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks.
Oh it could be so nice,
Growin' old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you,
Give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you.
Even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink.
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man,
Who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.


34. Valentine - by Wendy Cope

My heart had made its mind up
And I'm afraid its you.
Whatever you've got lined up,
my heart has made its mind up
And if you can't be signed up
This year, next year will do.
My heart has made its mind up
And I'm afraid its you


35. Weddings

If you go to a wedding, here’s what it means
No one wears trainers and no one wears jeans
Your best new clothes are all that you wear
And everyone in your whole family is there
Even some cousins that you’ve never known
And the grown-ups all say “Oh, how much you have grown!”
So everyone’s sitting in one big room
(except (Brides Name) and (Groom’s Name), the bride and groom)
Then all of a sudden things quieten down
And music starts playing and people turn round
And really slowly, (Brides Name) walks in
And she’s prettier now than she’s ever been.
She’s a bridge and she’s really great looking today
(when normally she looks just kind of okay)
She walks in and stands with her dad for a while
As (Groom’s Name) her boyfriend, awaits in the aisle
His hair is all combed and he’s wearing a tie
And then (Brides Name)’s mum starts to sniffle and cry.
And now it comes time for the “get-married” part
The Registrar says that we’re ready to start
So she talks and she talks about serious things
Then their friend (Best Man’s name) steps up holding two rings
He gives one to the groom and the other to the bride
Then he steps back and off to the side.
Then (Brides Name) and (Groom’s Name) kind of look at each other
And another big sniffle comes from (Brides Name)’s mother
And (Brides Name) and (Groom’s Name) put on the wedding rings
And they talk and they promise each other some things
They promise that they’ll love each other a lot
And help one another no matter what
And be with each other the rest of their life
Then the Registrar says “Now you are husband and wife”.
Then everyone’s in such a big happy mood
And you go to a party with very much food
Where you dance with some grown-ups and drink some wine
And then do a conga-dance in one long line
‘till (Brides Name) and (Groom’s Name) drive off in a car
and everyone’s thinking how happy they are
So we all yell goodbye and throw handfuls of rice
Then the whole thing is over. Weddings are nice!


36. Will I have to be SEXY at Sixty?


Will I have to be Sexy at Sixty?
Will I have to keep trying so hard?
Well I’m just going to slump
With my dowager’s hump
And watch myself turn into lard.

I’m no going to keep exercising
I’m not going to take HRT
If a to boy enquires
I’ll say “Hah! Hard luck squire!
Where were you in ’73!”

I’m not going to shave my moustaches
I’m just going to let them all sprout
My chins’ll be double
All covered in stubble
I’m going to become an Old Trout!

My beauty all gone and forgotten
Vanished with never a quibble
I’ll sit here and just
Kind of gnaw at a crust
And squint at the telly, and dribble.

As my marbles get steadily fewer
Must I battle to keep my allure?
Have I still got to pout
Now my teeth have come out
And my husband has found pastures newer?

Farewell to the fad and the fashion
Farewell to the young and the free
My passion’s expired
At bedtime ….. I’m TIRED
Sexy and Sixty? Not me.


37. Yes, I'll Marry You ~ by Pam Ayres

Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,
And here's the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it's creepy and it's late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.

Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It's you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our Labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It's you that has to whack him.

Yes, I'll marry you,
You're virile and you're lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!

It's you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I've got PMT it's you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!